Thursday, July 07, 2005

What is it that drives us? What is it that makes us want to change or be better? For me, it's fear. It's insecurity. What pisses me off is that my main reason for trying to lose weight is keeping my man. How pathetic? I know he looks at me in disgust. I know he'd rather be with someone else. Well, I guess I don't know this, I just assume. Sure, he reassures me when I confront him with it, but he never offers up the love. He used to. He used to compliment me often. His goal was to make me blush. Now.. now I don't know. Maybe he's just too comfortable. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way? Regardless, it makes me feel terrible. This on top of how I already feel about myself... just... well... it throws me down a flight of stairs.

Fuck. I just wish I was sure.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Started my diet yesterday (6/14). It's WW, so it's not that bad. I cheated (first day.. wonderful, right?), but still stayed within my points. My problem was that i also started my period so i was hungry ALLL DAY!

i'm hoping to do better today. I don't like thinking about food every second of the day, it makes me hungrier. It also doesn't help that I had nothing to do at work. Idle hands are the devil's playground.

Why am I doing this? Other than the fact that I'm a fat, disgusting blob? I feel very unattractive. i feel as though my boyfriend thinks I'm the ugliest thing on the planet- not that I disagree. I want to feel better about myself. I want him to not be able to keep his paws off me. i want to not be afraid to buy clothes.

I WILL focus on this. I WILL succeed. I have to. I've spent all of my life being overweight and unhappy (not necissarily because of eachother, but probably)... I figure maybe it's about time to not hate myself.

Let's see if this works.

Sunday, April 17, 2005


I feel like taking a walk to clear my head. I feel like asking forgiveness for things that I may or may not have done. I feel I have done something so terrible, yet I have not.

I can be moody. I have been for the past week. Things at work are stressful. I hate it, but it's easy and pays well. I find myself jealous of those who have graduated college. Can I do it? If I stay at the job I am currecntly at, can I start going to school? Maybe one day finish? Would it put too much stress on my relationship? Or would it be the perfect thing?

I want to be a better person. I want to be smarter, prettier, happier. I am happier. Happier than I have been since I can remember. I don't know how to handle that. When you go through life thinking that "this is the worst it can get"... then suddenly you do something to make things better.... and it works. What then? I have spent my entire life wondering if I would make it... wondering when I would die and hoping it would be soon. I was self destructive and did things that I have kept secret since because I didn't think it would ever matter. I never thought I would find someone to love. Find someone who loves me back. Find someone I want to be with. And now I have my past that haunts me. The things that I did because I just didn't care, I now regret. How I wish I could take it back. I wish I could erase it and never look back... but I can't.

One day my life will be revealed. Can I handle that?

I have not lied about myself or my life. But omission is not truth. I am in the wrong but can justify it to myself. Will my current life see it that way... or will my past be what causes my happiness to disappear.

I am forever changed because of the things I have done... even though it all seems like a dream.

Dear Happiness,

Please forgive me. I don't know what I would do without you.


Monday, March 21, 2005

People I hate today.

I think people should be strung up by their ankles and beaten like piƱata.

I shall focus on one group of these people today. These people are cell phone users. Are they even called cell phones anymore? Who knows.

I don't like having a mobile phone. I don't like people being able to get in touch with me- I prefer to hide. People that choose to have these are fine- it's where they choose to use these phones that I have a problem with.

I was on my way home from the store the other day and a car passed by. I could see that in the backseat was a baby seat (and I could only assume that there was a baby in there). The driver, a young woman, was on her cell phone- phone up to ear. This bothered me. Sure, I don't mind if people use cell phones while driving if and only if they can avoid being complete idiots. But, to do this in a car with a baby, I just find that insane.

Drivers are not the only wronged ones in cars on cell phones. How about passengers? When did it become acceptable to ignore the person driving us around? Our husbands, boyfriends, wives, girlfriends, friends, parents, children! When did it become okay to ignore them for "someone better" that calls us? I even saw an SUV filled with 3 people (presumably a mother, father, and daughter) all three on cell phones. And we thought watching TV while having a family dinner was bad...

Everyone complains about people talking on their phones in public. You don't need me to repeat all of that. Sure, I don't need to hear how one guy's date went last night, or what someone needs from the grocery store, but there is something out there that irks me more. Ring tones.

People keep them so loud and they are so bad, it's irritating. Sure, I had a phone. My ringtone was the theme song to The Simpsons (and this was before that was easy to find). I got compliments left and right. It was wonderful. Someone that comes into my work occasionally has OutKast's Hey Ya as hers. Her phone rings all the time and I hate that song. This, of course, would not hold up in court for a reason to beat random people, but I assure you- it should.

There's nothing that my complaining can do. I accept this and understand this. Will this stop me from hating this new lack of social skills? No. Will it encourage my next rant about text messaging? Of course!

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Time travel

Why is the past so important?

The past is what makes us who we are. This is a fact. Without the things we experienced, we would be someone different than who we are. My question is why is the past so important to others?

In a relationship, for example, why do people feel the need to know how many sexual partners one has had. I understand the point of protecting yourself from disease, but this can be done without that kind of detail. Why does it matter if your boyfriend or girlfriend has been in two relationships but has slept with X amount of people? Why does it matter if he/she has done drugs or sole a car? Do we really need to know those details?

I find myself guilty of the same thing. In interacting with my current beau, I find not that I'm asking about the past, but things come up and I wonder things. Why doesn't he do that with me? If I had known him then, would we have ever gotten together? And the all time killer: What were they like together? I hate that one the most. I hate wondering how happy they were or if they were anything like we are.

One should not compare people or relationships. They are all different. I understand this. I'm living is. However, human nature forces us to do this. This is where the past begins to poke at us. Another example from my relationship: I don't believe that he and I would be compatible in our pasts. I was far more wild and he was far more, well, not my type. So, I have to wonder, where did it change? I know for me, I moved and I'm happy. I'm not hanging out with the bad influences anymore and can just be myself. What about him? He still has those same friends, still lives in that same town. The only difference seems to be age. Is this a true example of someone growing up? Am I a true example of someone growing up?

If I'm so happy now, why must I ask myself these questions? I'm not looking for a reason not to be in love, I'm just curious. Maybe this all goes back to my earlier post about women thinking more than men do. The only thing is, I know that my past has been brought up (and will be.. damn skeletons!).

Recently, I have had a conversation with one of his friend's girlfriends about exes. When speaking with my current about this, he wondered why it is that I even care about an ex. He does not think the same as me. If I care about someone once, there's always going to be that level of wonder. With this one in particular, to this day, there is no closure. I've never been able to ask those questions that I've needed to ask. I'm ok with him dating his new girlfriend, this, suprisingly, did not affect me. They speak openly with one another about their future and I know that they plan on getting married and having kids, but I know once they get engaged, those questions I have are going to come to the surface again.

Why? Why do we need answers from our past is our present is so "perfect"? Why do I? Though I wouldn't change a thing about where I am now, I wish I could change my past. But if I did, would I be where I am now? These questions are too tricky.

I feel that if I had been a better person in my past, I could be a better person in my relationship. Had I not done everything I had done, I probably either would not be here now, or not have met him while he was single or at all.

Too many questions are popping up from my original question. My answer? Leave the past alone! Don't ask questions you don't need to know. Don't harp on things that people are not willing to share. Sometimes the past just needs to stay where it is. Wouldn't you agree?

Wednesday, March 16, 2005


We live in a world that constantly thinks of the past. Remember the 70's? Shows from the 80's? Remeber the grunge rock of the 90's? Well, since we all seemed to live in the past for so long, it seems no one knows how to live in the present. Instead, we've created what has been referred to as "Instant Nostalgia" (though I wish I could take the credit for that name).

With shows on VH1 such as I love the 80's and I love the 70's, we have nothing but the past to keep us entertained. So what do they do? I love the 90's a mear 4 years after the 90's ended. Was it too soon? Some say yes, some say no. I, personally, loved it. However, I did notice a lack of "Oh! I remember that!" after about 1995.

Why do we need to remember so soon after an event? This point is proven by another VH1 show called Best Week Ever. Now, each week, we run down the events of the week like it was done some time ago. Important? No. Brilliant? Yes.

Though I love these shows- a stab at pop culture, I can't help but wonder what this says about us as a society. Do we have that short of an attention span that we need to be reminded of what happened days ago by comics?

I woder if other societies are like this. Do they have a show like this in China? Why are americans so celebrity obsessed?

I leave you with these questions. Think about it next time you pass a show like that, or gossip about a celebrity at work. After you think about that, pick up a book or newspaper and exercize your brain.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be a man. I would love to get a blow job just once in my life. The other thing I would like to do is not think. How wonderful would my life be if shit wasn't running through my head every second of the day. Unfortunately, it's not a light switch that can be turned off. At time, I find myself staring blankly into space, but I often think I've just forgotten what I was thinking about.

In speaking to men and women that I know, I have found that I am not alone. Most women that I speak to always have something going on upstairs, yet the men just don't. Is it because women are emotional beings and men are logical? When we analyze and over analyze are we trying to find a solution, or are we trying to will what we want?

I suppose this entry is a perfect example. Would a man spend so much time thinking about why men don't think and women do? No. But I do. I was even in the restroom earlier wondering what guys think about while they pee.

I'm so fucked in the head.